I miraculously survived the hungry spot by doing housebitch duties (which I hate!). Had a lovely pasta bake for tea. I'm glad I didn't crack as I expected to. Getting this latest gain off is gonna take a while, I make it 10.3lb on in 10 days! How is that humanly possible?!
Off on a roadtrip tomorrow, packed lunch made to keep me on track.
Yesterday was ok, 100% on plan.
Today is a struggle. Rubbish night's sleep has drained me (which is easy lately thanks to my thyroid and 2+ years of a sleep-hating child). I know turning to sugar for an energy boost is one of my big danger areas. Somehow I managed to resist all the lovely food at a friend's house that I normally would have eaten tons of. But now I'm home and the desire to eat something off-plan is huge.
Must stay strong!
This is why I have to stop. Sure, the initial rush from eating something lovely is great, but it doesn't take long before I feel crap. I almost feel fluey, completely lethargic and my brain feels slow. My stomach hurts, I feel sick. Generally, I just feel yucky. It's not the first time I've felt this bad, it's pretty common when I over-eat sweet foods, yet I still do it time and time again. It's just not worth it. My body hates this.
I think the weight is the least of my problems, this sheer insanity of eating shit that my body is telling me it doesn't want is far more important. I need to get it under control asap.
Good news is meal plan is done, shopping all done, and cheesecake is now gone!
I've fallen off the wagon. I had a huge blip in August, and had nearly undone the damage when I fell off last week. I even skipped class on Tuesday because I don't really want to hash it out in a large group, nice as they all are.
I suffer from a common diet complaint. I am all or nothing. When focused, I'll have lovely solid losses, my willpower is high and I feel fab. But when I get bored of the same foods, lack of flexibility and increased prep-time I join the Dark Side; binge-eating, excuse-making laziness. I don't just gain a pound or two, within days my body goes into a full Camel mode, storing water as well as cake. Then I fell like crap, as if I'd eaten a whole bag of guilt with shame as a spicy dip.
It's not as if I have no deadline. With bridesmaid duties in 9 months and with 3st to lose I should be plenty motivated. But each evening I make a promise for tomorrow and then wake thinking of the great feeling I get from sugary fatty crap. I just don't enjoy life as much without it. I'm clearly an addict.
I'm not promising a good tomorrow (there's a cheesecake that I'm too stuffed to eat), but with meal-planning and shopping I intend to make a good start. I'll be facing my scales and tallying up the damage.
4 off, 1st8lb (22lb) in total.
I didn't win Woman Of The Year, the lady who did has lost two stone whilst disabled, house-bound and battling a hernia, and still puts in 100%, so totally deserved it.
I did however get my bmi to exactly 30, hit the lowest I've weighed since I was 16, and wore a short dress I haven't managed to wear since summer 1999. Oh and I won a burger press in the raffle that I desperately wanted :D
The last week has sucked. Recovery post-seizure isn't easy, though physically I only have a small scrape to show for it. It's the emotional bit that's tough.
I've lost my trust in myself again, because I just don't know when it'll happen. I know that it's probably connected to the running, but that's not definite. I'm finding that I'm second-guessing myself. Do I feel properly connected and aware? What bits of my memory have I lost this time? Can I really be out alone and in charge of a child?
It sucks. Epilepsy should just fuck off.
People have suggested I give up running. It saddens me that at 30 it might be something I'm not physically able to do. I don't want to give up, but I think I'll have to see how it goes.
In better news, I won an elliptical cross trainer on eBay tonight, so that'll help with getting fitter safely :D
Time to stop letting myself wallow in self-pity. I've been completely off track and it has to stop.
Weigh-in was tonight, 3lb gained. 2.5 of that was before I derailed, so seems to be seizure-related. It'll come off once I'm back in the swing of it. Tomorrow I'll be following meal plan as well as walking and doing aquafit. Thurs will be the regular 1 hour walk home from Hubby's work, and Friday I'm planning to run again. It seems drastic, but I need to prove to myself that I'm capable.
I got nominated for the Woman of the Year award in my group. This is a huge deal to me, I'm so touched that I've been able to inspire people. It especially meant a lot to me tonight when I've been struggling and need to knuckle down. For next week I need to take some before pics along. I know I'm unlikely to win as the other nominees deserve it much more, but I'm still excited to be involved. At the very least I plan to have a fab loss next week :D
