Trust

The last week has sucked. Recovery post-seizure isn't easy, though physically I only have a small scrape to show for it. It's the emotional bit that's tough.

I've lost my trust in myself again, because I just don't know when it'll happen. I know that it's probably connected to the running, but that's not definite. I'm finding that I'm second-guessing myself. Do I feel properly connected and aware? What bits of my memory have I lost this time? Can I really be out alone and in charge of a child?

It sucks. Epilepsy should just fuck off.

People have suggested I give up running. It saddens me that at 30 it might be something I'm not physically able to do. I don't want to give up, but I think I'll have to see how it goes.

In better news, I won an elliptical cross trainer on eBay tonight, so that'll help with getting fitter safely :D

Aftermath

I just can't kick this feeling of depression. It's really common post seizure, but I'm really not feeling good. I feel like a liability, an accident waiting to happen. I feel like I've failed. I want to run, but at the mo I'm full of aches and also a bit anxious. I'm struggling with the fact that at 30 I can't do it.

The depression feelings have had a knock on effect, and I've already eaten crap. It's only 10am! Being climbed on, screamed at, boobs grabbed and drinks thrown all over the floor isn't at all helping. Tomorrow is weigh in but I can see from the scales at home I'll have a big gain, and that was before any biscuits. Given that our post seizure mcds was quite sensible, I'm guessing it's a seizure after-effect. It blows, I've only just cleared my last gain. I'm going to end July heavier than I started at this rate!

I need to shake myself out of this mood, but I don't really know how.

Sore

I'm sore. Not just physically, though my legs and stomach all feel really tight, but emotionally. I guess I'd held out hope that the last seizure was either just collapsing or was a one-off. This latest one implies that it's likely to recur during exercise, and that makes me both sad and angry.

We're going to have to give thought to how we can limit my chances, and whether or not it's going to stop me from taking up running in general. It makes me frustrated that I might have to quit because, at just 30, my body is unable to deal with running. Oh, I know it could be much worse, and I'm grateful for all the things I can do. But at 30 I didn't expect to not be able to run.

I think maybe a lot of my mood today is leftover tiredness from it all. I could happily take a nap! Probably drs tomorrow.