Aftermath

I just can't kick this feeling of depression. It's really common post seizure, but I'm really not feeling good. I feel like a liability, an accident waiting to happen. I feel like I've failed. I want to run, but at the mo I'm full of aches and also a bit anxious. I'm struggling with the fact that at 30 I can't do it.

The depression feelings have had a knock on effect, and I've already eaten crap. It's only 10am! Being climbed on, screamed at, boobs grabbed and drinks thrown all over the floor isn't at all helping. Tomorrow is weigh in but I can see from the scales at home I'll have a big gain, and that was before any biscuits. Given that our post seizure mcds was quite sensible, I'm guessing it's a seizure after-effect. It blows, I've only just cleared my last gain. I'm going to end July heavier than I started at this rate!

I need to shake myself out of this mood, but I don't really know how.

Sore

I'm sore. Not just physically, though my legs and stomach all feel really tight, but emotionally. I guess I'd held out hope that the last seizure was either just collapsing or was a one-off. This latest one implies that it's likely to recur during exercise, and that makes me both sad and angry.

We're going to have to give thought to how we can limit my chances, and whether or not it's going to stop me from taking up running in general. It makes me frustrated that I might have to quit because, at just 30, my body is unable to deal with running. Oh, I know it could be much worse, and I'm grateful for all the things I can do. But at 30 I didn't expect to not be able to run.

I think maybe a lot of my mood today is leftover tiredness from it all. I could happily take a nap! Probably drs tomorrow.

New trainers

http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a628/nomorecakepls/IMG_20140718_140833892_zps9bbbf53f.jpg
I'm told that decent trainers, along with a decent sports bra, are the most important purchase for running.

These lovelies were in the Nike Outlet, rrp £88, on sale for £23 with an additional 30% off special, so just £16! Can't say fairer than that :D they are just right for me and are so comfortable. I've never had Nike's before. My bra is also a Nike one, £3.95 in the charity shop :D

Well that f*cking sucked

W1R3 was disaster.

Actually the run was great; faster, feet worked better. It was quite warm though. Anyway, runs done and into cool-down walk, I started to get a seizure warning. I had my first seizure in 2003. I got medicated, and had a 6 year gap until October last year. I tried c25k then, and had a seizure part way through W1R3. I never repeated it. So I was anxious for this attempt, but after 2 straightforward sessions I figured I was good.

Apparently not. Luckily Hubby comes with me just incase, so he did a stellar job of taking care of me. I'm ok, scraped knuckles are the only injury. Physically at least.

I'm sad, angry and disappointed. It's a bloody nuisance condition. Apparently it's uncommon for people with a seizure disorder to be triggered by exercise. I'm just lucky I guess(!)

Most likely it was due to eating/drinking/very little sleep, so those are all factors to address. I don't want to give up!

We ended up skipping Parkrun which I'm gutted about. Ah well, maybe next week.

Fitspo?

I can honestly say til today I had never heard of Fitspo (fit inspiration). I am a bit of a social media addict, but somehow it's slipped past me. However, I came across this article http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5574150?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063 that opened my eyes.

Actually, I probably wouldn't have bothered if I hadn't seen lots of "I hate hearing people boast about their running/gym/exercise sessions just to rub it in other people's faces" comments. As if the people boasting about their jobs, house renovations and holidays AREN'T rubbing it in people's faces, it's only those who are choosing to participate in physical activity who are smug bastards. Yup, I currently talk about c25k ALOT. But do I do it to shame those who aren't active? Hell no. Your arse, your business! Wanna sit on it? Fine by me, it doesn't affect my body at all. I don't think about whether that makes you lazy or too cool for exercise, I'm too busy thinking about changing what I want to chance about MY body and lifestyle!

So, I went to look up Fitspo. The sheer fact that I was immediately bombarded with reasons why Fitspo wasn't Thinspo, the age-old encourager of eating disorders, didn't bode well. It seems to be a varying scale from encouraging "You don't have to go fast, you just have to go" slogans (which I like) to pics of very very slim and toned women with text about not eating cake if you want to be thin, and similar implications that you need to have these "perfect" bodies to be healthy.

And that for me is the rub, because there are a lot of medically healthy people who AREN'T slim and toned. There are lots who workout bloody hard, and are in great shape, even if that shape isn't this media/Fitspo ideal. For example, Julie from www.toofattorun.co.uk doesn't fall into what fitspo seems to be recommending, but I'd bet there are plenty of women who are the "correct" size and shape who couldn't run like she does.

Health and beauty aren't the same, and just being what modern society deems attractive doesn't mean someone is healthy, and vice versa. Unfortunately, Fitspo, as with everything on the internet, can be taken to extremes and be hurtful. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be healthy if you don't want to, though tbh it's worth considering for the sake of a long, hopefully (medically at least) easy life.

I want to get healthy and be around as long as possible. I like helpful motivation, everyone deserves a "You got this!" to cheer them along. Channeled for good, Fitspo could be a great motivator for some people, people like me included. But I know my own mind enough not to be subtly bullied by images of bodies I neither want nor will have. I don't want a thigh gap, or a bikini bridge, or whatever the new thing is this week!

In this day and age of media and peer pressure, I'm not so sure Fitspo gives the right message to teens/young women. Its hard enough growing up anyway without being told that not only can you not be fat, you also cant be skinny unless you're toned. No doubt the margins of acceptability for our wonderful, varied bodies will become even tighter as the media, body snark and the competitiveness between women to be superior continues to increase.

Fitspo as it appears to me is just part of a wider problem: that we can't be happy with who we are so drag each other down to compensate. And that is a big problem.

Just my two cents.

SW week 13 :D

I've finally done it this week, I've achieved my 1.5st award! That's 21lb off in 13wks so just over 1.6lb a week :) I'm really happy with this as I'm starting to get towards some milestones:
**   1 more off will take me to the lowest weight I've been since 1999
**   1.5 more off will take my BMI from "obese" to "overweight". I've only been "overweight" for about two months in the last 15 years (since I was 15/16).
**   7.5 off will take me to my half way point.
So lots to look forward to.

I actually lost 2lb this week and got Slimmer Of The Week :D This is my second one and was utterly unexpected, but I'm really pleased.

We voted for Woman Of The Year tonight. It was bloody hard as there's lots of ladies in my group who inspire me, and I'd love to have had a chance to write something nice about each of them. I did get chance to talk about c25k, my current passion, which was good too.

I've even reined in the Tuesday evening off plan as I want to see another fab loss next week.

A brief review

Not where I review briefs ha ha!

I was after some running bottoms as sharing with hubby makes it harder for him to run two days in a row. After a cursory glance to eBay for bargains, which I didn't really find, I remembered seeing some workout gear in Primark back along. As it turns out, they had a small corner dedicated to gym kit. I opted for plain black Capri leggings/tights for £7 :D I was tempted by the shorts for £5 in the same design but I don't think I'm quite there mentally yet. They also had t-shirts for £6, jackets for £12 and some bras. After finding my lovely Nike dri-fit for £3.95 in brand new condition in a local charity shop, I didn't stop to check prices on the Primark version!

They fit fab in the 14 :o shocked as I was an 18-20 before slimming world in April. They don't feel any different than Hubby's Karrimors but are much more flattering on my shape. They also have the nifty pocket at the back. Such a bargain! I'd definitely buy again.