I miraculously survived the hungry spot by doing housebitch duties (which I hate!). Had a lovely pasta bake for tea. I'm glad I didn't crack as I expected to. Getting this latest gain off is gonna take a while, I make it 10.3lb on in 10 days! How is that humanly possible?!
Off on a roadtrip tomorrow, packed lunch made to keep me on track.
Yesterday was ok, 100% on plan.
Today is a struggle. Rubbish night's sleep has drained me (which is easy lately thanks to my thyroid and 2+ years of a sleep-hating child). I know turning to sugar for an energy boost is one of my big danger areas. Somehow I managed to resist all the lovely food at a friend's house that I normally would have eaten tons of. But now I'm home and the desire to eat something off-plan is huge.
Must stay strong!
This is why I have to stop. Sure, the initial rush from eating something lovely is great, but it doesn't take long before I feel crap. I almost feel fluey, completely lethargic and my brain feels slow. My stomach hurts, I feel sick. Generally, I just feel yucky. It's not the first time I've felt this bad, it's pretty common when I over-eat sweet foods, yet I still do it time and time again. It's just not worth it. My body hates this.
I think the weight is the least of my problems, this sheer insanity of eating shit that my body is telling me it doesn't want is far more important. I need to get it under control asap.
Good news is meal plan is done, shopping all done, and cheesecake is now gone!
I've fallen off the wagon. I had a huge blip in August, and had nearly undone the damage when I fell off last week. I even skipped class on Tuesday because I don't really want to hash it out in a large group, nice as they all are.
I suffer from a common diet complaint. I am all or nothing. When focused, I'll have lovely solid losses, my willpower is high and I feel fab. But when I get bored of the same foods, lack of flexibility and increased prep-time I join the Dark Side; binge-eating, excuse-making laziness. I don't just gain a pound or two, within days my body goes into a full Camel mode, storing water as well as cake. Then I fell like crap, as if I'd eaten a whole bag of guilt with shame as a spicy dip.
It's not as if I have no deadline. With bridesmaid duties in 9 months and with 3st to lose I should be plenty motivated. But each evening I make a promise for tomorrow and then wake thinking of the great feeling I get from sugary fatty crap. I just don't enjoy life as much without it. I'm clearly an addict.
I'm not promising a good tomorrow (there's a cheesecake that I'm too stuffed to eat), but with meal-planning and shopping I intend to make a good start. I'll be facing my scales and tallying up the damage.
4 off, 1st8lb (22lb) in total.
I didn't win Woman Of The Year, the lady who did has lost two stone whilst disabled, house-bound and battling a hernia, and still puts in 100%, so totally deserved it.
I did however get my bmi to exactly 30, hit the lowest I've weighed since I was 16, and wore a short dress I haven't managed to wear since summer 1999. Oh and I won a burger press in the raffle that I desperately wanted :D
The last week has sucked. Recovery post-seizure isn't easy, though physically I only have a small scrape to show for it. It's the emotional bit that's tough.
I've lost my trust in myself again, because I just don't know when it'll happen. I know that it's probably connected to the running, but that's not definite. I'm finding that I'm second-guessing myself. Do I feel properly connected and aware? What bits of my memory have I lost this time? Can I really be out alone and in charge of a child?
It sucks. Epilepsy should just fuck off.
People have suggested I give up running. It saddens me that at 30 it might be something I'm not physically able to do. I don't want to give up, but I think I'll have to see how it goes.
In better news, I won an elliptical cross trainer on eBay tonight, so that'll help with getting fitter safely :D
Time to stop letting myself wallow in self-pity. I've been completely off track and it has to stop.
Weigh-in was tonight, 3lb gained. 2.5 of that was before I derailed, so seems to be seizure-related. It'll come off once I'm back in the swing of it. Tomorrow I'll be following meal plan as well as walking and doing aquafit. Thurs will be the regular 1 hour walk home from Hubby's work, and Friday I'm planning to run again. It seems drastic, but I need to prove to myself that I'm capable.
I got nominated for the Woman of the Year award in my group. This is a huge deal to me, I'm so touched that I've been able to inspire people. It especially meant a lot to me tonight when I've been struggling and need to knuckle down. For next week I need to take some before pics along. I know I'm unlikely to win as the other nominees deserve it much more, but I'm still excited to be involved. At the very least I plan to have a fab loss next week :D
I just can't kick this feeling of depression. It's really common post seizure, but I'm really not feeling good. I feel like a liability, an accident waiting to happen. I feel like I've failed. I want to run, but at the mo I'm full of aches and also a bit anxious. I'm struggling with the fact that at 30 I can't do it.
The depression feelings have had a knock on effect, and I've already eaten crap. It's only 10am! Being climbed on, screamed at, boobs grabbed and drinks thrown all over the floor isn't at all helping. Tomorrow is weigh in but I can see from the scales at home I'll have a big gain, and that was before any biscuits. Given that our post seizure mcds was quite sensible, I'm guessing it's a seizure after-effect. It blows, I've only just cleared my last gain. I'm going to end July heavier than I started at this rate!
I need to shake myself out of this mood, but I don't really know how.
I'm sore. Not just physically, though my legs and stomach all feel really tight, but emotionally. I guess I'd held out hope that the last seizure was either just collapsing or was a one-off. This latest one implies that it's likely to recur during exercise, and that makes me both sad and angry.
We're going to have to give thought to how we can limit my chances, and whether or not it's going to stop me from taking up running in general. It makes me frustrated that I might have to quit because, at just 30, my body is unable to deal with running. Oh, I know it could be much worse, and I'm grateful for all the things I can do. But at 30 I didn't expect to not be able to run.
I think maybe a lot of my mood today is leftover tiredness from it all. I could happily take a nap! Probably drs tomorrow.
http://i1287.photobucket.com/albums/a628/nomorecakepls/IMG_20140718_140833892_zps9bbbf53f.jpg
I'm told that decent trainers, along with a decent sports bra, are the most important purchase for running.
These lovelies were in the Nike Outlet, rrp £88, on sale for £23 with an additional 30% off special, so just £16! Can't say fairer than that :D they are just right for me and are so comfortable. I've never had Nike's before. My bra is also a Nike one, £3.95 in the charity shop :D
W1R3 was disaster.
Actually the run was great; faster, feet worked better. It was quite warm though. Anyway, runs done and into cool-down walk, I started to get a seizure warning. I had my first seizure in 2003. I got medicated, and had a 6 year gap until October last year. I tried c25k then, and had a seizure part way through W1R3. I never repeated it. So I was anxious for this attempt, but after 2 straightforward sessions I figured I was good.
Apparently not. Luckily Hubby comes with me just incase, so he did a stellar job of taking care of me. I'm ok, scraped knuckles are the only injury. Physically at least.
I'm sad, angry and disappointed. It's a bloody nuisance condition. Apparently it's uncommon for people with a seizure disorder to be triggered by exercise. I'm just lucky I guess(!)
Most likely it was due to eating/drinking/very little sleep, so those are all factors to address. I don't want to give up!
We ended up skipping Parkrun which I'm gutted about. Ah well, maybe next week.
I can honestly say til today I had never heard of Fitspo (fit inspiration). I am a bit of a social media addict, but somehow it's slipped past me. However, I came across this article http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5574150?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063 that opened my eyes.
Actually, I probably wouldn't have bothered if I hadn't seen lots of "I hate hearing people boast about their running/gym/exercise sessions just to rub it in other people's faces" comments. As if the people boasting about their jobs, house renovations and holidays AREN'T rubbing it in people's faces, it's only those who are choosing to participate in physical activity who are smug bastards. Yup, I currently talk about c25k ALOT. But do I do it to shame those who aren't active? Hell no. Your arse, your business! Wanna sit on it? Fine by me, it doesn't affect my body at all. I don't think about whether that makes you lazy or too cool for exercise, I'm too busy thinking about changing what I want to chance about MY body and lifestyle!
So, I went to look up Fitspo. The sheer fact that I was immediately bombarded with reasons why Fitspo wasn't Thinspo, the age-old encourager of eating disorders, didn't bode well. It seems to be a varying scale from encouraging "You don't have to go fast, you just have to go" slogans (which I like) to pics of very very slim and toned women with text about not eating cake if you want to be thin, and similar implications that you need to have these "perfect" bodies to be healthy.
And that for me is the rub, because there are a lot of medically healthy people who AREN'T slim and toned. There are lots who workout bloody hard, and are in great shape, even if that shape isn't this media/Fitspo ideal. For example, Julie from www.toofattorun.co.uk doesn't fall into what fitspo seems to be recommending, but I'd bet there are plenty of women who are the "correct" size and shape who couldn't run like she does.
Health and beauty aren't the same, and just being what modern society deems attractive doesn't mean someone is healthy, and vice versa. Unfortunately, Fitspo, as with everything on the internet, can be taken to extremes and be hurtful. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be healthy if you don't want to, though tbh it's worth considering for the sake of a long, hopefully (medically at least) easy life.
I want to get healthy and be around as long as possible. I like helpful motivation, everyone deserves a "You got this!" to cheer them along. Channeled for good, Fitspo could be a great motivator for some people, people like me included. But I know my own mind enough not to be subtly bullied by images of bodies I neither want nor will have. I don't want a thigh gap, or a bikini bridge, or whatever the new thing is this week!
In this day and age of media and peer pressure, I'm not so sure Fitspo gives the right message to teens/young women. Its hard enough growing up anyway without being told that not only can you not be fat, you also cant be skinny unless you're toned. No doubt the margins of acceptability for our wonderful, varied bodies will become even tighter as the media, body snark and the competitiveness between women to be superior continues to increase.
Fitspo as it appears to me is just part of a wider problem: that we can't be happy with who we are so drag each other down to compensate. And that is a big problem.
Just my two cents.
I've finally done it this week, I've achieved my 1.5st award! That's 21lb off in 13wks so just over 1.6lb a week :) I'm really happy with this as I'm starting to get towards some milestones:
** 1 more off will take me to the lowest weight I've been since 1999
** 1.5 more off will take my BMI from "obese" to "overweight". I've only been "overweight" for about two months in the last 15 years (since I was 15/16).
** 7.5 off will take me to my half way point.
So lots to look forward to.
I actually lost 2lb this week and got Slimmer Of The Week :D This is my second one and was utterly unexpected, but I'm really pleased.
We voted for Woman Of The Year tonight. It was bloody hard as there's lots of ladies in my group who inspire me, and I'd love to have had a chance to write something nice about each of them. I did get chance to talk about c25k, my current passion, which was good too.
I've even reined in the Tuesday evening off plan as I want to see another fab loss next week.
Not where I review briefs ha ha!
I was after some running bottoms as sharing with hubby makes it harder for him to run two days in a row. After a cursory glance to eBay for bargains, which I didn't really find, I remembered seeing some workout gear in Primark back along. As it turns out, they had a small corner dedicated to gym kit. I opted for plain black Capri leggings/tights for £7 :D I was tempted by the shorts for £5 in the same design but I don't think I'm quite there mentally yet. They also had t-shirts for £6, jackets for £12 and some bras. After finding my lovely Nike dri-fit for £3.95 in brand new condition in a local charity shop, I didn't stop to check prices on the Primark version!
They fit fab in the 14 :o shocked as I was an 18-20 before slimming world in April. They don't feel any different than Hubby's Karrimors but are much more flattering on my shape. They also have the nifty pocket at the back. Such a bargain! I'd definitely buy again.
I have a few current inspirations
My hubby: He's recently completed couch to 5k and had been totally inactive before. His determination and improvement inspire me hugely. I am very lucky to have him coach me and support me.
My friend R: After a back injury left her paralysed for a spell, she's fought damn hard to regain her mobility and freedom. She also juggles two kids and self-employment. Where I'd have been sulking and feeling sorry for myself, she's pulled on her big girl pants and got the f*ck on with it. She is so much stronger than I could ever be, and thinking of her always motivates me to put my big girl pants on too. Life's too short to wallow.
My friend L: She loves her fitness and has recently qualified as a cross-fit instructor. She's my go-to when I need any advice because I know she knows her stuff. She's a great support and guide. She inspires me with her passion and knowledge.
Julie from www.toofattorun.co.uk: Her success and passion for promoting running for plus sizers is inspiring. There is a lot of great info there as well as on her blog The Fat Girl's guide to running that helps me along :)
WeightLossBitch: This lovely blogger inspires me to stick to SW and to keep going even when it seems too hard. She's hilarious and serious at the same time. Well worth a read.
My slimming world consultant: Kate is a great lady and is always ready to help me along my journey. She's a fab consultant and is never afraid to admit her own hurdles and drawbacks during her journey.
These people help me stay on track and focused, something everyone needs :)
After a great first session I was feeling excited for run 2. I'd done some kettlebell in between as I need half hour a week of strength exercise for my Gold Body Magic for Slimming World. The previous run and the squats had made my inner thighs feel a little sore and tight but I didn't think about it much til the first minute's run. It didn't feel great, and I was dubious. But I ploughed through, even going a little faster than on Friday. The last couple of runs were quite hard, and my legs definitely had had enough, but I was determined to complete it, which I did. The full outing (inc walking there and then home) was 3 mins faster than when we did W1R1.
I was pleased to have done it, and not hugely surprised it was harder because of my thighs. I did feel very flat footed and stompy by the end which I need to work on.
This was my last chance workout as tomorrow is weigh in. Even though c25k is usually 3 times a week, I'll only be doing Mon & Fri so that hubby can still run twice a week for himself to move up from 5 to 10k.
Wish me luck!
((A brief note, still on SW,19lb down))
I started c25k on Friday. This is my second attempt after last time the first run resulted in collapsing (possible seizure after 6 years of medication control) and going to A&E. I lost a lot of confidence that day, not just from a running/fitness standpoint, but generally. I was back at square one after six years, driving license gone (it was only a provisional though, I'm a hideous driver!), afraid to be out alone, medical alert tags...
So getting back on the horse with c25k has taken me 9 months. In that time my lovely hubby has indeed gone from couch to 5k. He's generously offered to be my coach/safety net, so I've accepted. We bought a dirt cheap 3 wheeler so our 2 year old boy can join us. Scheduling time around him is a big challenge as he's not a good sleeper, I don't have much evening freedom. Being able to take him has made it infinitely easier.
Off we went, and apart from a wheel falling off (wasn't clicked in enough) a fab time was had. It was warm and sunny, and our local trail is perfect for exercise. But the best bit was achieving it! I got through the run with no health problems at all. In half an hour the damage to my confidence was mostly undone. I felt bloody awesome! It was nowhere near as hard as I expected.
On we go!
I'm a week and a half in. I sneakily popped on the scales, only to find I'm only .2 of a pound down. I know I shouldn't look, because it depresses me. I wanted my half stone award this week, which means I need 1.5 off. It doesn't look likely. I'm worried that I'm not going to lose much long term, and I'll have spent money for nothing. I am following it, but I see a lot of people say no green days with PCOS, which I have. I can't do red as our food bill would be well over £100 a week which we can't afford. I can't do extra easy as I'm still not confidently eating enough superfree yet.
No more scales! I don't need this stress.
I'm two days in to attempt 3. The first two times I lost a little then stopped following the plan and attending group. But this time I need to do it for the good of our little family, to eat less crap and more f&v. I've been a fussy eater since I was very young, and DS is starting to show signs.
Doing ok so far, though anxious that I won't succeed!
Starting weight 14-1.
Just to update :)
I lost 5.5 so I'm really pleased. I've made a real effort to reintroduce foods that bothered me (beans, sweetcorn, pineapple) and introduced foods I've never eaten (carrot, spring onion, broccoli, leek, watermelon). This is a huge step for me, it's more new veg than I would usually try in a year!
We've also started eating at the table instead of in front of TV. It's improved my 2 year olds mealtime behaviour and eating :)
A few things have come in to my possession today, completely legally of course. So I plan to do a little reviewing, more to try my hand than anything else. I'll probably need to rope my tame photographer in too!
So in the works: reviews of my latest primary purchases and the Liz Earle cleanse and polish kit, as well as some rambles on plus size shopping, my boobs and being the fat one in the family!
In which we meet the author (authoress?) and she'll be inspired to say something witty (or possibly witless).
I have no idea where this is going. In fact, I have no idea where I'm going, both on a short-term career/life-goal level, or a higher, more spiritual level.
I like to write. I always have, for as long as I can remember. Inspiration is rarely an issue, but wandering concentration is. So I thought I'd blog. I used to use LiveJournal (which I assume still exists?) back in some of the darker days of my life. Things I wrote there were painful enough that I'd rather not read them again. I've opted for this fresh and clean virtual slate, an android keyboard with demented predictive text as my chalk.
There are several wonderful and inspiring bloggers I follow on Twitter, and if you're reading this and don't already, I'd recommend following them: @MrsBeBe_ @FFigureFBust @Bettypamper . They are changing my perceptions of body confidence and happiness in one's own shape everyday. They are my #bloggingidols :D
It took time to think of a name. I wanted something plus size related, because I am, and because I hope to do some rather amateurish plus size clothing (dear keyboard, wtaf is clotjing?) reviews when funds allow.
But it's more than that. One size never fits all... not emotionally or socially, as well as physically. I don't fit in, in oh-so-many ways. I'm not a hugely rebellious person determined to not conform, nor so easily swayed as to conform without question. I'm not cool or popular. I won't win prizes for looks or brains. It used to hurt a lot, now it's only a little. But I'm slowly becoming ok with that.
I don't know where this blog is going, but I know that somewhere out there, there are other people who our "One Size fits all" society's attitude never fits either. And I hope they can slowly become ok with it too.
